Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Son

Long before I came out as a lesbian I had a whole other life.  I was married and had 3 amazing children.  One of those children is my son.  He's a United States Marine and he's being deployed to Afghanistan.  I can't quite wrap my head around it.  He leaves soon (can't say when, not even what month for the safety of the troops) he doesn't know how long he'll be gone 6 months is the least amount of time but lately tours are being extended and he could be there 9 months to a year.  My son and his wife are coming here for 10 days as his pre-deployment leave and I have to try to keep it together and not fall apart when my little man leaves.  I don't know how to do that. I watched the movie Dear John last night and cried myself to sleep afterwards not because i'm afraid his wife will leave him but because I feel like the father in that show.  He left me behind a long time ago and i'm ok with that I really am, he's a grown man (all of 20 lol) with a wife of his own.  I just miss my boy, the kid that used to go fishing in the lake behind my apartment after the divorce and he lived with his dad, the kid that used to lay on the sofa with me (at 10 y/o) and watch a movie and let me snuggle him, that kid that used to think I knew everything and could fix all his owies.  I've been replaced by a wife and the Marine Corp. and I really don't like it but I deal with it.  What I can't deal with is knowing my son is going to be in harms way 8000 miles from home and who is going to comfort him when he's hurting or lonely or sad?  Who is going to put there hand on his shoulder and say damn I'm proud of you like his father would (I can't reach the boys shoulders, he towers over me and has since he was 10) who is going to kiss him goodnight and lay a blanket over him if he falls asleep without one, who is going to tell him everything is going to be alright when he's scared?  That's my job, as a mother to comfort my son and I don't know how to do that 8000 miles away in a place that I can't imagine. I just don't know what to do.

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